Today I woke up late - 9:00. I am supposed to start working from my home office at 8:30. I screwed around on the internet most of the morning. However, I worked all afternoon - 3.5 solid hours. This is pretty good for me. So I feel happy. Listening to Tibetan Chanting helped (don't laugh or judge).
This day is a culmination of about 2 weeks worth of returning to recovery. I credit my reaching out on the internet through this blog and the associated email as playing a large role in this.
This time when I return to recovery, I am going to do recovery on my own terms - only what works for me. Now I am not saying I will ignore the 12-steps or avoid getting a sponsor - just that I will do those things in a way that works for me. In the past I have submitted myself to the ideas of other addicts because that was my interpretation of the message of the program. However, I have realized that the true proof is in the pudding - and I am pretty sure that by now I know what a good pudding is like (matcha flavoured creme-caramel for example - don't laugh.)
So when I say "pornography is in my middle circle", it's gonna take a pretty good explanation to convince me otherwise - and that explanation better be based on a pretty good understanding of me and my addiction.
Before I go off on the unhealthy road of resentment, I will finish with some positive thoughts and words.
This day has been brought to me through a return to recovery - and not by paying lip service, but by a true spiritual movement and feeling. I hope it continues, because I feel pretty darn good now. And if I can get addicted to this good feeling, I may just become one of those guys who's been clean longer than he can remember.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Why Do I Want To Blog for Recovery?
For me, this blog is not an excuse to not work the program. I am hoping to use it as a different modality for working the program. I came upon the idea through a counselling program I participated in through my employee benefits package. I communicated with a psychologist through a blog. Here are the benefits:
1) It doesn't require scheduled contact time (meeting, phonecall etc.)
I travel to remote locations for work and I have young children - scheduled contact time difficult for me.
2) communications are recorded and can be re-read
I would find this more convenient for recording step-work and sponsorship communications. I have a hard time keeping paper organized.
3) there is a potential for increased participation in conversations
Since comments can be added indefinitely, conversation can continue for days and any number of people can jump in.
4) I have access to wider group of recovering addicts
I am finding a lack of good sponsorship and support in my area.
Just to let you know, after a 1 year hiatus, I have started going to face to face meetings again - one per week. I stopped going for a few reasons:
1) A close friend had joined the fellowship and I was having trouble being honest with him
2) I found some of the personalities harmful to my recovery
3) I didn't find any suitable sponsors
4) My wife wanted me to stay home and help with the kids
Just a few weeks ago, my wife suggested I go back to meetings, so I did. I am starting this blog to help me even more - especially when I am on the road and between meetings.
1) It doesn't require scheduled contact time (meeting, phonecall etc.)
I travel to remote locations for work and I have young children - scheduled contact time difficult for me.
2) communications are recorded and can be re-read
I would find this more convenient for recording step-work and sponsorship communications. I have a hard time keeping paper organized.
3) there is a potential for increased participation in conversations
Since comments can be added indefinitely, conversation can continue for days and any number of people can jump in.
4) I have access to wider group of recovering addicts
I am finding a lack of good sponsorship and support in my area.
Just to let you know, after a 1 year hiatus, I have started going to face to face meetings again - one per week. I stopped going for a few reasons:
1) A close friend had joined the fellowship and I was having trouble being honest with him
2) I found some of the personalities harmful to my recovery
3) I didn't find any suitable sponsors
4) My wife wanted me to stay home and help with the kids
Just a few weeks ago, my wife suggested I go back to meetings, so I did. I am starting this blog to help me even more - especially when I am on the road and between meetings.
Monday, January 18, 2010
About Me
Name: anonymous
Age: early 30s
Orientation: straight
Marital Status: married, kids
Years since first SAA meeting: 9 or 10
Longest sober period: 3 months officially, possible 6 months unofficially
Addict profile: chronic relapser
Addiction type: avoiding reality, numbing pain
Inner Circle Behaviours:
current:
1) seeking, and meeting sex partners on the internet, usually lying about marital status
2) masturbating during work hours, masturbating in bed next to sleeping wife and/or son
bottom lines:
no sex outside of marriage - including touching another woman's private parts or kissing on the lips (patting friend's wife on the bum is ok)
no masturbation in inappropriate situations
no sex crimes (peeping, touching)
middle circle behaviours
visiting a dating website
looking at pornography
non-work activities on computer during work hours
spending time on internet without agreement from wife
spending more than 30 minutes on internet entertainment twice per day
texting an acting out partner
meeting one on one with another woman without wife's knowledge
sleeping in bed with a woman besides wife
outer circle behaviours:
masturbation in locked office or bathroom outside work hours - must clean up semen
household chores
spending time with son
blogging
exercise - swimming, slow martial arts, walking, sports
household paperwork
gardening
carpentry/home improvement
reading for career
reading for pleasure
recovery work, step work
steps completed:
step one - completed with 2 different sponsors and a step group
step two - completed with 1 sponsor and 1 step group
step four - completed with 1 sponsor (?) and 1 step group
step five - completed with 1 step group
step six - completed with 1 step group (?)
step seven - completed with 1 step group (?)
Age: early 30s
Orientation: straight
Marital Status: married, kids
Years since first SAA meeting: 9 or 10
Longest sober period: 3 months officially, possible 6 months unofficially
Addict profile: chronic relapser
Addiction type: avoiding reality, numbing pain
Inner Circle Behaviours:
current:
1) seeking, and meeting sex partners on the internet, usually lying about marital status
2) masturbating during work hours, masturbating in bed next to sleeping wife and/or son
bottom lines:
no sex outside of marriage - including touching another woman's private parts or kissing on the lips (patting friend's wife on the bum is ok)
no masturbation in inappropriate situations
no sex crimes (peeping, touching)
middle circle behaviours
visiting a dating website
looking at pornography
non-work activities on computer during work hours
spending time on internet without agreement from wife
spending more than 30 minutes on internet entertainment twice per day
texting an acting out partner
meeting one on one with another woman without wife's knowledge
sleeping in bed with a woman besides wife
outer circle behaviours:
masturbation in locked office or bathroom outside work hours - must clean up semen
household chores
spending time with son
blogging
exercise - swimming, slow martial arts, walking, sports
household paperwork
gardening
carpentry/home improvement
reading for career
reading for pleasure
recovery work, step work
steps completed:
step one - completed with 2 different sponsors and a step group
step two - completed with 1 sponsor and 1 step group
step four - completed with 1 sponsor (?) and 1 step group
step five - completed with 1 step group
step six - completed with 1 step group (?)
step seven - completed with 1 step group (?)
the pendulum swing
well - since the last post, I deleted my dating website account and changed the password to my acting out hotmail account (joe6pack6@live.com). It's been a week or so. I am sleeping a bit more, but the urge is coming back. I was travelling for work and this woman I was working closely with was very attractive and attracted to me.
Then I came home and an old crush (10 years back) had added me on facebook.
And I got a text from someone I'd been acting out with a few weeks back.
So now I am posting here to try and release some of this.
Here is my question - is there anything I can do? Does posting here really help or am I a hopeless slave to a pendulum swing or to uncontrollable biology.
Evoloutionary psychology dictates that I will try to create diverse offspring.
Modern society dictates that I can only have one active wife at a time.
The compromise between the two is divorce and remarriage.
Is this an inveitability?
The other compromise is cuckolding and impregnating a woman who is attached to someone else. Is this an inevitability?
Or is there a future for me in a monogamous family?
I have my doubts.
Anyway - trying to stay monogamous and productive just for today.
I already wasted the morning screwing around on the internet (which eventually led to masturbation)
Need to get work done - earn my keep - before I get fired.
Then I came home and an old crush (10 years back) had added me on facebook.
And I got a text from someone I'd been acting out with a few weeks back.
So now I am posting here to try and release some of this.
Here is my question - is there anything I can do? Does posting here really help or am I a hopeless slave to a pendulum swing or to uncontrollable biology.
Evoloutionary psychology dictates that I will try to create diverse offspring.
Modern society dictates that I can only have one active wife at a time.
The compromise between the two is divorce and remarriage.
Is this an inveitability?
The other compromise is cuckolding and impregnating a woman who is attached to someone else. Is this an inevitability?
Or is there a future for me in a monogamous family?
I have my doubts.
Anyway - trying to stay monogamous and productive just for today.
I already wasted the morning screwing around on the internet (which eventually led to masturbation)
Need to get work done - earn my keep - before I get fired.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Biology is Winning
Just got back from the pool. Mildly arousing - always. I can remember being aroused at the pool as far back as 10 years old. Was there with my son. I don't think I overdid it checking any of the girls out.
I was thinking about how much of this is biology. Humans are not naturally monogamous. Being married is EXTREMELY stressful for me because I am a natural playboy. I am starting to think it is part of my genetic makeup. What should I do? My wife might go for letting me sleep around - but what a lame life. And it wouldn't satisfy my genetic urges - I wouldn't produce any offspring.
The way it works for most people in this modern society is serial monogamy through divorce and remarriage. Well I'm not into divorcing for the kids.
HELP - this sucks. I am a prisoner of my genetic predisposition to spread my seed. I don't think these urges will go away with the help of the 12 steps. I HAVE TRIED FOR 10 YEARS and I just think they're as much a part of me as being gay is a part of a gay dude.
But what options do I have? I hate this mismatch of society and my psyche.
I was thinking about how much of this is biology. Humans are not naturally monogamous. Being married is EXTREMELY stressful for me because I am a natural playboy. I am starting to think it is part of my genetic makeup. What should I do? My wife might go for letting me sleep around - but what a lame life. And it wouldn't satisfy my genetic urges - I wouldn't produce any offspring.
The way it works for most people in this modern society is serial monogamy through divorce and remarriage. Well I'm not into divorcing for the kids.
HELP - this sucks. I am a prisoner of my genetic predisposition to spread my seed. I don't think these urges will go away with the help of the 12 steps. I HAVE TRIED FOR 10 YEARS and I just think they're as much a part of me as being gay is a part of a gay dude.
But what options do I have? I hate this mismatch of society and my psyche.
Well I just dropped the wife and kid (2 year old) off at a drop-in. On the way home I spied some young ladies out walking and found their asses in tights arousing. I felt the urge to do the status-quo - which would be to get on the internet and try to find a sex partner. I am still reeling. Yesterday I had the opportunity to meet a very attractive woman for sex and I pulled a no-show. I am clamboring inside to get back to that level of opportunity.
Lately I was skimming psychology books in the bookstore and I found one on evolutionary psychology. It had some interesting perspectives on sexual desire. I, for one, am convinced that we are not naturally monogamous - just mostly monogamous. I'd like to expound more on what I think our natural sexual predilections are, but right now I need to jerk off to relieve this headache and then get back to work (if I can force myself to).
That reminds me - meditation music helps me work.
Lately I was skimming psychology books in the bookstore and I found one on evolutionary psychology. It had some interesting perspectives on sexual desire. I, for one, am convinced that we are not naturally monogamous - just mostly monogamous. I'd like to expound more on what I think our natural sexual predilections are, but right now I need to jerk off to relieve this headache and then get back to work (if I can force myself to).
That reminds me - meditation music helps me work.
11 am
It's 11 am and I haven't done any work yet. This is pretty standard. I just screw around on the internet.
I am a sex addict. I've called myself this for almost 10 years now. I think it's grown on me and try as I might, I can't shake it. My sex drive is ruining my opportunity for a decent life.
I don't think the sex is the problem; the problem is the addiction.
Pardon me if that doesn't make any sense to you. It's just making sense to me now. If I wasn't an addict, I could make love to several different women a day, masturbate countless times, look at porn for hours, hire a prostitute. But I am an addict, so even though I want to do all those things (well not quite that much- maybe sex with two women, a prostitute and masturbating 2 or 3 times), I cannot.
Also, I am married.
And my sex life is starting to impinge upon (starting to - it's been doing it for years) my career and daily work.
Anyway - I feel isolated. I don't like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) too much because I have trouble relating to the other people who are there. I've been a chronic relapser and I just don't feel like I can be respected for my experience - and I find that they seem naive. I'm going to meetings anyway.
So I'm also starting this blog to communicate with other addicts and those who are interested. I hope I was able to maintain my anonymity. Gonna try to blog daily instead of going to meetings all the time, or joining a step group. Hopefully I can receive some support and sponsorship through the internet. Lord knows my addiction has found it useful.
I don't think the sex is the problem; the problem is the addiction.
Pardon me if that doesn't make any sense to you. It's just making sense to me now. If I wasn't an addict, I could make love to several different women a day, masturbate countless times, look at porn for hours, hire a prostitute. But I am an addict, so even though I want to do all those things (well not quite that much- maybe sex with two women, a prostitute and masturbating 2 or 3 times), I cannot.
Also, I am married.
And my sex life is starting to impinge upon (starting to - it's been doing it for years) my career and daily work.
Anyway - I feel isolated. I don't like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) too much because I have trouble relating to the other people who are there. I've been a chronic relapser and I just don't feel like I can be respected for my experience - and I find that they seem naive. I'm going to meetings anyway.
So I'm also starting this blog to communicate with other addicts and those who are interested. I hope I was able to maintain my anonymity. Gonna try to blog daily instead of going to meetings all the time, or joining a step group. Hopefully I can receive some support and sponsorship through the internet. Lord knows my addiction has found it useful.
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