I am under a lot of stress - took some weekend work teaching a course at a college. Behind the 8 ball to produce the course material. Stressed out - getting mad at my wife. Generally not good. I do know that busy-ness and deadlines good for keeping me away from addiction in the now, but is it bad for my future? I don't know.

I am still visiting websites. Had sex in my car a few days ago with a woman who has no self-respect. She always asks for a little money - less than a whore. So strange. She is like a hybrid between a slut and a whore. Either way she has little self respect. And I never treat her the way she wants - I mean being concerned. She's just an outlet for my sexual addiction.

Meeting last night was good - this reading from the green book of Sex Addicts Anonymous. The reading was called "working the program". The guy in the story had very specific rules about healthy masturbation - he could recall experiences of healthy sexuality only. He couldn't masturbate to fantasies about acquaintances or recall of acting out experiences.

Then he described a healthy sexual experience - a first kiss with a girlfriend in the rain. And it made me cry a bit because I don't have that kind of mind going on - a good and holy mind. I thought about it for a while and realized that my mind has separated my sexual targets from the life force that imbues them. The way he described the girl's hair in the rain. I experience very little of this sensual and alive world. Flesh, hair, bone might as well be dead for the life force is resistance and obstacle to my goal of penetration and ejaculation.

I don't say this because I am considering violence of killing, but I am starting to see a woman's flesh much the way I see meat in a butcher shop - somewhat disgustingly. And their minds are only systems to game. A woman is a combination of a butcher shop and a video game console. The only sexual aspect is something that exists on the symbolic register - sometimes crudely referred to as a belt notch. This idiom of "belt notch" doesn't do justice to the aspect of male sexuality related to conquest and achievement against odds. Women need only open their legs to have sex. Men need to strive and struggle to obtain the opportunity. Somehow this, paired with orgasm drives my addiction. The thrill of success is what drives me. And it is pathetic. Something frustratingly wrong. I am so angry and I want to be at peace.

There is a gold medal in my mind for continuing to fuck lots of women despite being married and having herpes. But I want to stop, but I can't stop. The success makes up for all the frustration of my younger years. So frustrated and hurt. I never just had a nice relationship with a girlfriend. The description of that kiss in the rain. Yes that happened to me. But she was gone after that kiss. And I wasn't able to pursue her. And most of my girlfriends were just meat games. Just meat games. No higher purpose, no kiss in the rain, no celebration of our life forces coming together.

I am so sad. So sad that it has been so long that I have lived in this filthy pit of what might as well be corpses. Women I disdain. I never had a fair chance to get one. Never stood a fair chance and I settled way too low. Fat meaty bitches with personality defects and flawed faces, inspiring no love in me. Why couldn't I have had my pretty girls - the ones I loved. The ones I just loved to see - their pretty faces, their pretty hair, their pretty smiles and bodies so right. Instead I settled for meat. Because I couldn't obtain the other. The hurdles were too high. I feel as if I failed and I am mad at myself too. I am mad and sad and bad.

This is not finished, but the post is done. I still feel sick and there is still a story in there. I want to get there soon.