solving a "moral dilemma"

good advice in SLAA chatroom today.

I have initiated an affair. I had a date and sex with a woman who doesn't know I'm married. She is a foreigner and I offered her an opportunity to go backpacking. She really wants to. She had sex with me and we are supposed to backpack this weekend. I feel guilty and I want to break it off, but part of me wants to fullfill the promise to take her.

I got counselled away from this in a private message in the chatroom. It was a woman talking to me - maybe that helps. I always get the best advice in SLAA. I think it's the best program for me.

I am under a lot of stress - took some weekend work teaching a course at a college. Behind the 8 ball to produce the course material. Stressed out - getting mad at my wife. Generally not good. I do know that busy-ness and deadlines good for keeping me away from addiction in the now, but is it bad for my future? I don't know.

I am still visiting websites. Had sex in my car a few days ago with a woman who has no self-respect. She always asks for a little money - less than a whore. So strange. She is like a hybrid between a slut and a whore. Either way she has little self respect. And I never treat her the way she wants - I mean being concerned. She's just an outlet for my sexual addiction.

Meeting last night was good - this reading from the green book of Sex Addicts Anonymous. The reading was called "working the program". The guy in the story had very specific rules about healthy masturbation - he could recall experiences of healthy sexuality only. He couldn't masturbate to fantasies about acquaintances or recall of acting out experiences.

Then he described a healthy sexual experience - a first kiss with a girlfriend in the rain. And it made me cry a bit because I don't have that kind of mind going on - a good and holy mind. I thought about it for a while and realized that my mind has separated my sexual targets from the life force that imbues them. The way he described the girl's hair in the rain. I experience very little of this sensual and alive world. Flesh, hair, bone might as well be dead for the life force is resistance and obstacle to my goal of penetration and ejaculation.

I don't say this because I am considering violence of killing, but I am starting to see a woman's flesh much the way I see meat in a butcher shop - somewhat disgustingly. And their minds are only systems to game. A woman is a combination of a butcher shop and a video game console. The only sexual aspect is something that exists on the symbolic register - sometimes crudely referred to as a belt notch. This idiom of "belt notch" doesn't do justice to the aspect of male sexuality related to conquest and achievement against odds. Women need only open their legs to have sex. Men need to strive and struggle to obtain the opportunity. Somehow this, paired with orgasm drives my addiction. The thrill of success is what drives me. And it is pathetic. Something frustratingly wrong. I am so angry and I want to be at peace.

There is a gold medal in my mind for continuing to fuck lots of women despite being married and having herpes. But I want to stop, but I can't stop. The success makes up for all the frustration of my younger years. So frustrated and hurt. I never just had a nice relationship with a girlfriend. The description of that kiss in the rain. Yes that happened to me. But she was gone after that kiss. And I wasn't able to pursue her. And most of my girlfriends were just meat games. Just meat games. No higher purpose, no kiss in the rain, no celebration of our life forces coming together.

I am so sad. So sad that it has been so long that I have lived in this filthy pit of what might as well be corpses. Women I disdain. I never had a fair chance to get one. Never stood a fair chance and I settled way too low. Fat meaty bitches with personality defects and flawed faces, inspiring no love in me. Why couldn't I have had my pretty girls - the ones I loved. The ones I just loved to see - their pretty faces, their pretty hair, their pretty smiles and bodies so right. Instead I settled for meat. Because I couldn't obtain the other. The hurdles were too high. I feel as if I failed and I am mad at myself too. I am mad and sad and bad.

This is not finished, but the post is done. I still feel sick and there is still a story in there. I want to get there soon.

poking my head out of a hole

Yes I am down here in the sex addict hole. I have slipped down the slipper slope. On my last road trip (last week), I hit the websites hard, probably initiating contact with near on 50 women. I finally got one to meet me for a bite to eat and a drink (she declined alcohol) then we went for a ride and "made out". I also spent some time in her house and she kept telling me it was time to go, but I kept trying to seduce her. Then I went back to the hotel. Didn't sleep well, work is suffering. I am behind in paperwork big time. I am quite concerned about that. Stressed is a better word than concerned. I can't bring myself to write these fucking reports (pardon my french).

God - if you are there - please help me to write these reports. Please help me to get through or around this paperwork. I would like to be free again. I can't find the freedom in writing all these goddamn reports.

Anyway I'm in hole inside a giant mound of paperwork, chasing ass on websites. I am ok, but not sure when this paperwork will bury me. I am sure there is a way out on the bottom (e.g. if I don't get it done, I can lose my job and be relieved of the pressure), but not sure I want that route. The other way is to switch jobs and leave the paperwork debt behind. That would be irresponsible.

FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God help me to get this all done. God help me.

Also, if I can get as much of this paperwork as possible done, I can devote my time to all the other projects and opportunities that come up in this job.

slippin?

Well things got good and then bad.

I finally gave in on my last road trip and started using a singles website again. This didn't result in me meeting someone for sex (almost) but then I purged. Tonight, a week later, I am back at it!!!

It's 12:12 and I need to go to sleep.

Funny how I lost steam on this blog so fast. Guess I got things off my chest. But here I still am acting out.

Road trip next week - already chasing down leads. Have a long-planned date for "poker" on the agenda.

Maybe sobriety?

need to find a meeting there...

there isn't one

maybe online... maybe
I am chatting with a girl right now
guess we know where this leads.

Finally a Good Day

Today I woke up late - 9:00. I am supposed to start working from my home office at 8:30. I screwed around on the internet most of the morning. However, I worked all afternoon - 3.5 solid hours. This is pretty good for me. So I feel happy. Listening to Tibetan Chanting helped (don't laugh or judge).

This day is a culmination of about 2 weeks worth of returning to recovery. I credit my reaching out on the internet through this blog and the associated email as playing a large role in this.

This time when I return to recovery, I am going to do recovery on my own terms - only what works for me. Now I am not saying I will ignore the 12-steps or avoid getting a sponsor - just that I will do those things in a way that works for me. In the past I have submitted myself to the ideas of other addicts because that was my interpretation of the message of the program. However, I have realized that the true proof is in the pudding - and I am pretty sure that by now I know what a good pudding is like (matcha flavoured creme-caramel for example - don't laugh.)

So when I say "pornography is in my middle circle", it's gonna take a pretty good explanation to convince me otherwise - and that explanation better be based on a pretty good understanding of me and my addiction.

Before I go off on the unhealthy road of resentment, I will finish with some positive thoughts and words.

This day has been brought to me through a return to recovery - and not by paying lip service, but by a true spiritual movement and feeling. I hope it continues, because I feel pretty darn good now. And if I can get addicted to this good feeling, I may just become one of those guys who's been clean longer than he can remember.

Why Do I Want To Blog for Recovery?

For me, this blog is not an excuse to not work the program. I am hoping to use it as a different modality for working the program. I came upon the idea through a counselling program I participated in through my employee benefits package. I communicated with a psychologist through a blog. Here are the benefits:

1) It doesn't require scheduled contact time (meeting, phonecall etc.)

I travel to remote locations for work and I have young children - scheduled contact time difficult for me.

2) communications are recorded and can be re-read

I would find this more convenient for recording step-work and sponsorship communications. I have a hard time keeping paper organized.

3) there is a potential for increased participation in conversations

Since comments can be added indefinitely, conversation can continue for days and any number of people can jump in.

4) I have access to wider group of recovering addicts

I am finding a lack of good sponsorship and support in my area.



Just to let you know, after a 1 year hiatus, I have started going to face to face meetings again - one per week. I stopped going for a few reasons:

1) A close friend had joined the fellowship and I was having trouble being honest with him
2) I found some of the personalities harmful to my recovery
3) I didn't find any suitable sponsors
4) My wife wanted me to stay home and help with the kids

Just a few weeks ago, my wife suggested I go back to meetings, so I did. I am starting this blog to help me even more - especially when I am on the road and between meetings.

About Me

Name: anonymous
Age: early 30s
Orientation: straight
Marital Status: married, kids
Years since first SAA meeting: 9 or 10
Longest sober period: 3 months officially, possible 6 months unofficially
Addict profile: chronic relapser
Addiction type: avoiding reality, numbing pain

Inner Circle Behaviours:
current:
1) seeking, and meeting sex partners on the internet, usually lying about marital status
2) masturbating during work hours, masturbating in bed next to sleeping wife and/or son
bottom lines:
no sex outside of marriage - including touching another woman's private parts or kissing on the lips (patting friend's wife on the bum is ok)
no masturbation in inappropriate situations
no sex crimes (peeping, touching)

middle circle behaviours
visiting a dating website
looking at pornography
non-work activities on computer during work hours
spending time on internet without agreement from wife
spending more than 30 minutes on internet entertainment twice per day
texting an acting out partner
meeting one on one with another woman without wife's knowledge
sleeping in bed with a woman besides wife

outer circle behaviours:
masturbation in locked office or bathroom outside work hours - must clean up semen
household chores
spending time with son
blogging
exercise - swimming, slow martial arts, walking, sports
household paperwork
gardening
carpentry/home improvement
reading for career
reading for pleasure
recovery work, step work

steps completed:
step one - completed with 2 different sponsors and a step group
step two - completed with 1 sponsor and 1 step group
step four - completed with 1 sponsor (?) and 1 step group
step five - completed with 1 step group
step six - completed with 1 step group (?)
step seven - completed with 1 step group (?)